I watched my son experience a mental breakdown and it changed him and the trajectory of his life. This breakdown took place over about 2 weeks and included paranoia and psychosis. In the first three days I noticed that he was at a heightened state. He wasn’t sleeping or eating and he became obsessive in his thinking. He was vibrating at a level that was so intense it was getting hard to be around him.
For the next three days he was “remembering” things that never happened or accusing people of having him followed. On one of the worst days, he got into an altercation with a few guys on the beach who attacked him and broke his jaw. It was three days after that when he began to get some clarity. But to get to the point where he was back to himself was about another 5 days.
We, but mostly him, lost a whole community. For the most part no one wants anything to do with some one who is mentally unwell. When in a state of paranoia and psychosis things are done and said that are hard to overlook or forgive. He said some very cruel and mean things to me and other key people in his life. But I know my son and I knew the things he was saying and doing were not him. And in the months since this happened, he has apologized to me so many times I have lost count.
I remember explaining to friends and family what was going on and they all pretty much said the same thing. Not to tolerate his behaviour and to tell him he has to leave if he going to behave that way. In all fairness I do have to admit that my son on a regular day could be difficult to deal with. He has a very strong personality and not everyone liked it. He has Asperger Syndrome and struggles in social situations. He doesn’t like to make eye contact which is often interpreted as being disrespectful. He never wanted anyone to know about this because he didn’t want people to look at it as a weakness.
What was happening this time was different and I knew it even if no one else could see it at the time. I have said countless times “you don’t understand because you weren’t there”. Not everyone was blind to the reality of this situation but for the most part I found myself trying to convince people that he needed help. That I needed help. At this point, I have stopped trying to explain to people that what happened was out of his control. The reality is that unless you have loved someone deeply who has had these type of mental health issues, you simply don’t get it.
During this time, I reached out to the system twice but they were no help either time. At one point I found myself in a situation that had escalated and I had to call the police on him. There were two officers who responded. I explained to them both that something was wrong and that this behavior was not normal. The first officer told me maybe its time for him to move out because sometimes parents and kids just don’t get along. The second officer took me more seriously and explained that there isn’t much he could do. That he believed me but it is my word against his. He had him leave for the night and told me that all I can really do is try and convince him to reach out for help.
When he had is jaw broken and ended up in our local hospital I called and begged them to please keep him there and have his mental health assessed. To please listen to me, that there was something wrong. The lady I spoke to on the phone dismissed my concerns and actually sounded annoyed that I was wasting her time. He was released an hour later and told to go to our neighboring community for surgery. When he got to the other hospital he did not stay because he became agitated with them and left. He didn’t get surgery for 3 days after it was broken. He had his jaw wired shut for 6 weeks.
The aftermath of all this was painful. Almost everyone who had been in his life daily stopped. This included friends and family. They stopped wanting to talk to him or to be around him. He doesn’t blame them though, he blames himself. I held my son everyday for weeks while he cried in my arms. So confused as to what happened. Why his brain did that to him. Why did he say and do the things he did because he didn’t mean any of it. He couldn’t bear the shame and the guilt and so he moved out of his family home to go to another town.
It was also very traumatic for me. I was so scared and didn’t know what to do. I was in fight mode trying to survive and to help him. After it all calmed down, I was a mess. In the end I started counselling and did some EMDR therapy.
It has now been a year and a half and he has had no psychosis or paranoia since the original episode. He doesn’t remember all of what happened but what he does remember will go on a loop and play over again and again in his head. This constant loop makes it very difficult for him move forward but in the end, it is up to him to find a way to do just that. Its hard to make sense of something that just simply doesn’t. His brain betrayed him and he wasn’t in control. He was unrecognizable.
We don’t know what caused it. He was hit pretty hard in the head not long before so maybe a concussion. He also had very similar symptoms to someone with marijuana psychosis, but also like someone who is bipolar. We really have no idea.
He has turned to alcohol to numb the pain and to cope. The problem is that the alcohol works for a little while and then it just makes it worse. He called about a month ago asking for help. His drinking was out of control and he was tired of living this way. Tired of trying to hide form his pain. I flew him home to be with me and his brother.
While he was home, we talked a lot about letting go of the shame, letting go of the guilt and finding a way to forgive himself. We set him up with online counselling and we made a plan for him to succeed but its up to him to do the things he needs to. We talked about finding points of joy in his day, not isolating himself and getting out into nature. We have talked about him moving back home. I don’t know what the answer is but I do know that making small daily steps will help.
I encouraged him to get back to what he loves, to get back to what he is passionate about. Prior to this he had put thousands of hours into his craft. It was this passion that helped him so much after his dad died and I really believe it can help him again. It’s an outlet for his pain and a way to bring in joy. Two birds with one stone. He had the same dream since he was 3 years old and it’s hard to let go of that. It was his identity. I hate the saying “things happen for a reason”, but I do believe that when shit happens it creates a fork in the road. You can either sit and wallow. Or you can see that maybe the universe has a bigger plan for you. Maybe what he thought was his dream isn’t what he is supposed to do with his life.
I hope that one day he can see himself through my eyes, see his worth and his value. I hope that my beautiful boy can find himself again. That all of this was not in vain but a catalyst to a future so bright. I believe with all my heart that he is meant to do big things in his life and I can’t wait to see what it is.
