My last blog was extremely personal and difficult to write. During the entire writing process I was contemplating whether or not to even share it once it was done. It was the fear of what people would think that was stopping me. In the end I decided that this is my truth and I want to be in control and I definitely don’t want to be ashamed.
And so I published the blog and shared it on Facebook. I don’t normally deal with any anxiety issues but that day my heart was racing, I was sweating and breathing heavy. I was having a panic attack and so as soon as it was posted I went outside to try and keep myself occupied but the panic didn’t really go away. After a few hours I went back in and I deleted the post off of Facebook.
That post occupied my thoughts for a long time and I had no desire to write anything at all. I had the time to, we were on lock down, I just felt defeated. That blog took so much out of me. I ended up spending a lot of time over the next weeks outside in nature with my little guy exploring and just thinking.
During this time off I realized I am very good at compartmentalizing people and my feelings about them. I am in control of myself when it comes to relationships of any nature, friends or family. This is basically because I don’t have much tolerance for drama and will just avoid it and living so far away from pretty much everyone I know makes this easy. Don’t get me wrong, I have some pretty amazing people in my life that do nothing but add positivity to it. I just also have some that don’t always make the best choices and so I put up a wall and I love them from a distance but don’t let them get close.
It has always been so important for me to be strong and to get through whatever it was at the time with my head held high and to prove that I don’t need anyone. With my mother I declared that I would be a stronger woman and a better mother then she was, and at 16 I put her to shame and continue to. When my husband died it was about making him proud of the decisions I made in regards to how I handled myself personally and in business. And so I powered through and really tried to keep it together, at least until the evening when the boys were all in their rooms and I could pour that first rye and coke of the night.
I have a tattoo which when asked about, I always say it’s my mantra. It says “The trouble is you think you have time”. I have really tried to take this to heart. I have done more of the stuff I love in the last year and a half then I did the three years before. I have been making as many memories as possible with Kase because I am acutely aware of the fact that before I know it he will also be a grown man. I have been creating experiences which have been amazing. What I haven’t been doing is applying that mantra to relationships of any nature. To me it has always felt like weakness to allow anyone the opportunity to get close enough to hurt me. Except it’s not weakness and that is my A-ha moment for today. It’s OK to give myself the chance to rest, to not have to be a pillar of strength all the time. It’s OK to let that wall down and to have feelings about the past and the present. To allow myself to feel what I need to rather than strong arm my way through it. To allow myself to be weak.
