I have spent so much time and energy worrying about my kids that I needed to find a way to put it in a box in the back of my mind. And for the most part I have it figured out. The worry used to drive me crazy, I wouldn’t eat or sleep.
I have worried about them doing too many drugs and overdosing or putting themselves in dangerous situations. I have worried about them driving too fast and getting into accidents. I have worried about them all night, waiting to hear them come in the front and fearing that they won’t.
As a teenager I had these worries about my dad. There were times when he drank every day for months, no exaggeration, months. I have seen him walking in the snow and mud wearing dirty cloths and no shoes. So drunk he makes no sense at all, just a bunch of rambling. I remember spending nights worrying about him in the same way I worry about my own kids.
Loving an addict or an alcoholic is a very hard thing to do. I had to find a way to let go of the idea that I had any control at all. We can’t love someone sober or straight. We can’t convince them that they are worth it or that they are loved. If only they could see themselves through the eyes of the ones who truly love them, if they really knew that they were worth it maybe then those who are lost could find the courage to fight for themselves.
Historically we walk away from people with addiction issues. I have heard it so many times by so many people how my cousin, my brother, my mother is an addict and so I don’t have anything to do with them.
How unbelievable sad is it that when a person is in their absolute worst time and place in their lives that we turn our backs. When they need our love the most we don’t because they are not worthy, they are addicts and alcoholics. But if they get it together and become what I think they should be then of course I will let them back into my life.
There has to be some boundaries and unfortunately sometimes those that we love become unrecognizable and we do have to shut that door but it should not be because we give up or because we are done caring, it should be because we have the need for self-preservation.
As a mother I was warned about how hard it is to have babies because of the lack of sleep and the havoc on the body. I was warned about toddlers because they lack communication skills and they need constant supervision so they don’t walk off a damn cliff. I was warned about teenagers because they like to party, make bad choices and not come home. But I was never warned about having adult children. I was told they would be the reward after going through the baby, toddler and teenager stages. I was never told that having adult children could end up being the most difficult and trying time as a mother.
Distance and boundaries are much harder to enforce with our children. As mothers we just love harder. I know I can’t love anyone better but when it comes to my kids I try. I try to show them through my eyes how they are worth it. All of my adult children have struggles with drugs and alcohol and I am so grateful that they have all started to come out the other side stronger and ready to become what I have always known they could be. The journey isn’t over by any means but I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Recently someone I love lost her son to an overdose. I had never met him but I have cried many tears for him. He was young, he had a good soul. He just got lost somewhere along the way. I don’t know his story and to be honest it doesn’t even matter. The fact is that he was loved by many people, his siblings, his children and his mother. His mom always talked about him, his addiction issues were always on her mind. She always talked about how he had a beautiful heart and he was so talented. That he loved fiercely. She was always trying to help him. She never turned her back on him. She just loved him. He didn’t win his battle but I am sure that he also never once doubted her love for him.
Why do these things happen? Some people believe that our souls choose the lessons we need to learn in our lifetime and once they are learned we die. I don’t know what lesson he needed to learn but his death has impacted people he has never even met. Maybe that is what his purpose was in this lifetime.
I remember being so heart broken when my husband died of a heart attack almost 7 years ago. I was so engulfed in my grief I didn’t really think about what other people were feeling, until I seen his dad for the first time and in an instant I realized his pain was deeper than mine. I think of this whenever someone loses their child. The pain is unbelievably deep, especially when it’s preventable.
She didn’t have to lose her son, he was stolen from her. The drugs stole him. I have heard people talk about how it’s a choice to be an alcoholic or a drug attic, and it is, but it’s also more than that. I have always encouraged people to read up a bit about the neurological effects that drugs and alcohol have on people. It literally rewires your brain. It’s not a simple as just choosing not to partake. This is why we need to surround people who struggle with love and acceptance and no judgment. Offer a hand up, not a handout. Help them to let go of the shame. Help them to learn to love themselves again. Help them to understand that they are worth it.
