I am a true believer in manifestation and that I am in complete control of my reality. And so last fall when I started to spend time with someone I knew I had manifested him. I was constantly putting it out there the kind of person I wanted to meet and spend my time with. I modeled this person around the most important men in my life. These men are all loud, outspoken, opinionated and fierce protectors of those they love. They are men that work with their hands. They like to hunt and fish, and are basically unstoppable. They are strong physically and mentally. And this guy is most of these things so when he arrived in my life I was excited and happy to have him there.
The problem is it’s been so long since I have been in any type of relationship that I really didn’t know how to navigate it. I felt like a teenage girl. I didn’t know how much I should text him, if I should call him, if I should be all over him or if I should leave him alone. I was constantly worried that he would realize I was a mess and walk away. It took me about a month to figure out this wasn’t working and that I needed to change my mindset about it all.
I believe that if your eyes are open the universe gives you exactly what you need when you need it. There was one night in particular when I couldn’t sleep and found myself up drinking coffee at 430am. I subscribe to a podcast and a new episode had come out the day before about attachment theory. Without going into too much detail it basically explains how people act in relationships. We are either avoidant, anxious or secure. I was anxious but I am choosing to be secure. I then found a book about it and started to read and it made sense to me. Something clicked on every page. It was constant a-ha moments all the way through.
I wish I would have read this book before I started seeing him, or anyone for that matter. I could tell at about week 6 that he was losing interest in me and it did hurt because I really liked him but I also don’t blame him. I am sure he seen a thousand red flags. I decided to take it as an opportunity to work on being secure with myself. And so I started to say what I wanted to. I would share my thoughts and feelings with him and I even sent him one of my blogs to read. I am a smart girl and when given some perspective I can figure things out. All I needed was to look at it from a different point of view. To remind myself that the only thing I can control in my life is how I react to people and situations.
I do believe that every relationship is meant to teach you something, and that when it’s time to walk away we have the ability to reflect and figure out what lesson we had to learn and what we need to be grateful for. So that’s what I am going to do.
I am grateful for all of the nice things he said to me. I loved waking up to the good morning beautiful messages, and having the last thing I saw before I fell asleep being the good night sweetheart text. I am grateful for the movie nights and all of the conversation. But most of all I am grateful to have learned so much about myself that I feel more prepared for my future.
The biggest lesson I learned is to just be unapologetically myself and to be able to see people and situations for what they are. Not to inject any of my unrealistic fears into the situation. Not to assume anything and to just confront any situation instantly that is giving me self-doubt. It’s going to take some work but I’ll get it all figured out. That’s what life is about anyway isn’t it? Just learning life’s lessons?
