My first experience with the idea that energy between people is very powerful was quite a few years ago. I had watched a program where they talked about how the energy you put out is the energy you get back. Most people would call it karma but it’s the exact same thing. They discussed how if you only concentrate on the negative or do negative things that you will get negative back. They talked about how when relationships are struggling it’s our tendency to only be able to see the bad, the things that bother you about the other person. It could be your marriage, relationship with friends or children, it doesn’t matter. The program challenged viewers to pick one relationship and to try and not say or think anything negative about this relationship for one whole day. I chose my marriage.
The truth is that my marriage was days from being over, and this was a decision I did not come to lightly. I am a true believer that you have to earn your way into a divorce. You have to try every possible avenue to make it work and that divorce needs to be the last option. This of course does not apply in the instance of abuse of any nature but people are so quick to walk away when times get tough. It’s easier to give up then it is to fight.
My daughter had gotten pregnant when she was just shy of 18 and the man she was with was 10 years older. My husband always saw things in black and white and to him this was unbelievably wrong. He couldn’t understand how a man of that age would think it was ok to be with a teenager. He felt this way because the idea would never have crossed his mind. He would never have dated a teenager when he was 28. To him, this man was a pedophile. To be clear the age difference wouldn’t have mattered had she been 28 and him 38. It was simply that she was 17 and it is a scientific fact that your frontal lobe, your ability to reason and to see future consequences doesn’t develop until you are in your early 20s. To him, she was being taken advantage of. Part if this comes from the fact that she had already been in a drug treatment program and was struggling with addiction. She was vulnerable and he was very controlling and it was apparent immediately.
My opinion was quite similar; the difference is how individually we wanted to deal with it. I wanted to be there for her, to show her love and compassion and to be there when she was ready to leave him. He on the other hand wanted to iron fist it. He tried to stop me from talking to her in an attempt to force her to do what he thought was the right thing. He did stop her from talking to her brothers and he felt that this was valid because he refused to raise his sons to believe that taking advantage of young girls was acceptable and allowing them to communicate would give the wrong impression.
The main reason I stayed for as long as I did was because I had already been with him for many years and prior to this he was a good husband and father. He wasn’t perfect and pretty hard to deal with at times but it was mostly good. This put him over the edge though. He became a different man overnight. He dwelled on it; it was all he talked about. He was so angry.
When I told him she was pregnant and that she was going to bring the boyfriend over to meet him, he said not to bother. We were at our shop that day, I was in the office and I saw his truck drive by the window. I got this sick feeling in my gut and decided I should follow him. By the time I got to the house he was dressed in full black, balaclava included and a loaded rifle. I literally had to wrestle the gun from his hand. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind had I not intercepted him he would have killed the boyfriend that day. He said to me the very next day, I need to leave this town now. One week later we were in Penticton buying a house and moved shortly after.
I fought hard for this marriage but after 2 years of being in Penticton I was days from leaving. I was scared because he had shown me just how angry and mean and bull headed he could be. But I had tried everything, or so I thought. I had tried talking to him, giving him time to process, asking other people to try and talk to him. I asked him to go to counselling, but he refused it all. He was so steadfast in what he believed that I could not get him to give at all. When my granddaughter was born I went against his wished and went to the birth. When I got home he made me miserable. He would constantly attack my morals, and my integrity. If there was a time in my marriage where I would say he was abusive, this was it. He almost had me convinced that I was the problem.
Then I watched that program and it challenged me to find the good in him for one day and to see what happened. So every time he did something that was helpful, house chores or whatever, I would acknowledge it and say thank you. I made a point of giving him a hug, which was hard because we were not being affectionate at all at this point. I sat down with a piece of paper and wrote down 10 things I appreciated about him. We had been sleeping back to back for a long time but when we went to bed that night I put my hand on his back and I poured the positive energy into him. I told him how much I loved him, and how I knew he was a good man who was lost, a man who was hurt. I told him that I knew he loved me and that he loved our daughter (we got together when she was three). I told him I knew that he could find his way again if he could just learn to let go of the anger. I fell asleep with my hand on his back and the next morning he woke up and picked on me. Something he hadn’t done in a long time. He used to always pick on me, but in a fun joking kind of way. He smiled more that day then I had seen in months. He hugged me multiple times during the day and he sat beside me on the couch and held my hand. That night when we went to bed he curled up behind me rather than having his back to me.
The whole day all I could think was that it worked, it really worked. Now don’t get me wrong we still had a long way to go and it wasn’t easy but that day was the start of the healing and when he died a few years later our marriage was the best and strongest it had ever been. We had fallen back in love with each other. He had found a way to let go of his anger and to move forward.
From this point on I made a huge effort to be aware of the energy I put out and how I let other people’s energy affect me. So today I challenge you to pick one relationship that you’re struggling in and to do the same. Try not to think even one negative thought and to find 10 things you appreciate about this person. This person doesn’t even need to be in your life anymore. Maybe it’s someone you never want to talk to again but the relationship still affects you. Even in a bad relationship that has ended there is good to be found and lessons that were learned. So be the good energy that you want to attract.
