A few weeks ago I was driving home from dropping Devon off at the gym, the truck was quiet and out of nowhere Kase says to me, “I want a new dad. How do I get one?” We have now had a few different conversations about how that works. I explained to him that maybe one day he would have a new dad but that I would have to fall in love with someone again first. This of course led into a series of questions about how grownups fall in love and if I would get married again? It’s hard to explain such a complex issue to such a little man. He asked me once if I could just “go get one”, like they come from a store or something. Now wouldn’t that be amazing..could I please have a 6’2” tall, 220lb man who loves his momma, has good morals, and a huge….heart.
Andy has been gone for over four years but I have not been in a relationship. I did spend about a year talking to someone almost daily. I am grateful for this time because it changed my focus. I was having difficulty not sitting in my grief and finding a way to move forward. Then there was shift in my thinking because I was now looking forward to hearing from someone else every day. He was always very clear about the fact that he didn’t want a relationship and he was careful not lead me on. He would never say anything that may have given me false hope. It was what it was. The truth is that it was hard to take because I was hopeful he would change his mind but I am grateful for the good times and the lessons learned. In the end I came out of that non relationship stronger and with a clear mind.
Other than that I have been on one coffee date and I felt like a teenager. I didn’t know what to say, I was fidgeting in my chair, unzipping and zipping my sweater up, stumbling over my words. In short, I was super awkward and needless to say we didn’t go for coffee a second time.
I did try a few dating sights for a very short period of time, realizing quickly that it wasn’t for me, too many creepers. So now I am just leaving it all up to fate. I am content in my life but I do hope one day someone amazing walks through the door that will love me and my kids, especially Kase since the big ones are all grown now. The little man is so blessed to have two big brothers who help fill the void and I am by no means going to date someone to just to fill a missing role in my or my son’s life.
I foolishly thought that when I was ready it would be easy to find someone because I feel like I am a catch. This is just not the case at all. Part of the issue is I am chicken shit when it comes to taking the initiative. I have thought a few times about asking someone out but I can never seem to work up the courage, except for that one coffee date that bombed which just reaffirmed my unrealistic fears. I was telling this to a friend of mine the other day and she said she was surprised to hear this from me because usually I am very confident in myself and what I have to say.
Got me thinking about what the difference is because in most situations I have no problem putting myself out there. Public speaking, business, and dealing with people of authority. I am not easily intimated and will say what I need to. I guess it feels more personal when it comes to affairs of the heart. Personal rejection is a tough thing for me to deal with. Basically it hurts, and it’s easy enough to avoid as an adult because I can choose to not set myself up for that disappointment. If you don’t ask, they can’t say no. It does make me think about that one Garth Brooks song though, you could miss the pain but you would have to miss the dance. With the impending apocalypse maybe it’s time to get out of my comfort zone and do something about it. Maybe, it’s time to put myself out there and just ask.
