Being a mom hurts. It hurts when you are pregnant and you are so big your hips ache, your feet hurt and you can’t even tie up your own shoes. It hurts to go through labour and it hurts to give birth and then it hurts to pee. It hurts to nourish their little bodies with our cracked and bleeding nipples. It hurts when they crawl all over you and dig their little knees and elbows into you. It hurts when they start school and realize they don’t need you every second of every day. It hurts when they are teenagers and become unrecognizable, when the sweet little person you raised disappears into a raging ball of hormones and emotions. It hurts when they become so unreasonable that communicating with them becomes a task in futility, kind of like nailing jello to a tree. But through it all we keep our head down and plow through. We could have the worst day ever and still wake up the next morning full of love for the person we created. We’re constant advocates for them even when they can’t or won’t do it for themselves. We are their biggest supporters and without a doubt there is not a single person out there that loves them more than their mother. Of course we are human and we make mistakes, some of them bigger than others but no choices were ever made thinking or knowing that it’s the wrong one. I have absolutely looked back and wished I had done something’s differently but who is to know that would have been the right choice either. We just want to get our kids though childhood in one piece and out the other side to become productive human beings in society and that our reward will be adult children who will understand and appreciate everything we have done for them.
And some of them do. Some of them grow up to go through the same tough times and get this sudden realization for what their parents went through to raise them. But what happens if they don’t? Well, it hurts. It hurts when our adult children don’t show gratitude for what we do for them. It hurts when they treat us badly, like we are not important, like we are disposable.
So what do we do? They say that being a parent never ends but does that mean we have to keep setting ourselves up to be hurt again and again? I would not tolerate this treatment from anyone else. I know I am a good person and I know I am a good mother so how did I manage to raise adult children who are unappreciative and entitled.
Someone asked me that exact question just the other day, how did I allow this to happen? I have always believed that people are basically made up of three things, nature, nurture and environment. Nature talks about the fact that people are born with a core personality and you can’t change that. This one was important for me to grasp because child number three was tough from the moment he was born. I spent more time dealing with teachers and coaches with this one kid then all the rest combined. I felt like I failed with him for a long time. I used to believe that I would be able to mold my children into being what I dreamed they would be. What number three taught me was that we are given a child born with a personality and we are the ones that have to adjust our parenting to them.
The environment is about where they were raised. Were they surrounded by good people, was their home a place where they could feel safe? Were their talents and strength celebrated and encouraged? Was there always enough to eat and clean clothes to wear? Did they get to witness how healthy relationships work and what love really looks like? Providing my children with a positive environment was very important to me and I think that I did a pretty good job.
Lastly is nurture which made me think about being a teenage mother. Pregnant at 15 and gave birth at 16. I was on my own until I met my husband when I was 20. I was on social assistance during this time and after all the bills I had about 100 dollars every two weeks to feed us. So every little thing I received was truly a blessing and I was truly grateful for it. As a child myself I grew up in a negative environment and ended up in foster care at 11 years old. I didn’t get to join any activities that cost money because the money simply wasn’t there. Once I was put into foster care it got a lot better but still no extra cash for stuff.
It’s because of these personal experiences that I have always wanted to be a better mother to my children than what my mother was to me. I didn’t want them to struggle and I wanted to give them every opportunity.
The problem is that I was foolish to think my kids would really appreciate the privilege in front of them but that’s not all on them. Some of that’s on me. They didn’t grow up the way I did so of course they didn’t have the same level of appreciation. I had assumed they would see the value in the life they were able to lead but like it is with all life lessons they have to learn it on their own through hard work and struggle. I don’t regret putting my kids into any sports or for making sure they had nice clothes to wear. My regret comes with being too nice. Giving in too easily and saying yes too much. I should have made them walk more, I should have made them earn more and I should have said no more.
Don’t get me wrong, my kids all have huge hearts and are good people. I have no doubt they will all continue to grow and learn as they get older and gain more life experience. All I can do now is to let them make their own mistakes and have their own successes. And if they fall I will offer them a hand up but there will be no more handouts. I will always be there to love them unconditionally and I will always be their biggest fan but I won’t be their door mat.
