“I never knew how strong I was until I had to forgive someone who wasn’t sorry, and accept an apology I never received.”
Many years ago I heard somewhere that forgiveness is not about saying whatever happened is OK, but it is about knowing and understanding that the past cannot be any different. This was pivotal for me in my healing process especially when it comes to my mother. That thanksgiving 15 years ago was about getting answers. It was about trying to understand how it was that she chose him over me. The fact of the matter is that there is nothing she could ever say that would validate her choice. There is no answer to why that is going to make me understand. But I have forgiven her and for that matter I have also forgiven my stepfather. I am not angry or bitter towards either of them anymore. I have really come to the understanding that what’s done is done. And this forgiveness is definitely because I understand that it cannot be changed. We cannot rewrite the past. I made peace with the pain but it was not an easy road.
I tried to commit suicide on a few separate occasions. The first time was when I tried to starve myself to death, I was 12. Then on two separate occasions I tried to take enough pills to overdose. My last attempt was when I took every pill I could find in the house. Looking back I remember it being whatever I found in the medicine cabinet but none of it was prescription. It was Tylenol, Anacin, iron pills, and other various things of the same nature. I remember reading the labels and thinking it might work if I took them all. There must have been 100 pills. I had cut up my wrists with a razor blade but it was all superficial. I tried to take a pin and poke a hole in the vein in my hand so I could bleed to death if the pills didn’t work. I was falling asleep when my foster sister had come home early and found me in bed with bloody wrists. She went and told my foster mom and we went to the hospital. I ended up in the hospital psych ward for about a week. That was the most intense attempt and also the last. I still have a scar on my hand from where I was trying to poke that hole. Looking back gives me perspective. At the time I was really trying to kill myself, I really did want to fall asleep and not wake up. But as an adult I know that this attempt was just my way of taking control of my life and stopping the pain. The pain I felt during the first few years away from my mother rivals the pain I went through losing Andy. I had been with her for the first 11 years and 190 days of my life and then I just wasn’t. In one day my life completely changed.
I got pregnant with my daughter when I was 15 and the moment I found out all that mattered was her. I longed for mother daughter love and I wanted a baby so bad. I wanted someone to just love me unconditionally. All I wanted was to be a good mother. I have said to her many times that I truly believe she saved my life. With that pregnancy I had something else to live for, something that was more important than me. This was when my life completely shifted direction. It was then that I started to dream about my life, to dream about a future. I wanted things to be better for her. I wanted to end the cycle of drinking and abuse. The vow I made to her the day she was born, I took very seriously. It was then that I wanted to finish school and go to college. To make a better life for us and I did. Forgiveness has allowed me to open my eyes and to look past just what I am feeling and experiencing. I started to look at all the contributing factors. What happened to my mother that turned her into the person she became?
My grandmother died when my mother was 14 and when this happened her world fell apart. My grandfather was an alcoholic and didn’t know how to handle the grief and so all 5 of the kids ranging from 12 to 18 got left to deal with it on their own. She wasn’t really given a fighting chance. She didn’t have anyone to help guide her, to help her heal. With that said though I am also a true believer that you can only blame your parents for as long as they are in control of the decision making. Once the choices are up to you, it’s time to take responsibility for yourself.
I know now that I was meant to have these experiences regardless of how awful they were. It had to happen so that I could become who I am today, a strong woman who sometimes breaks, a good mother who sometimes loses her shit, and a good friend who has your back. Most importantly I am honest with myself. No excuses, just truth.
