About a year ago I had conversation with my daughter that ultimately led to this, my very first blog.
We were talking about how her and her best friend made very different choices in their lives. She said to me “Mom I have been such a fuck up, she wouldn’t have wasted a mom like you.” Those were her words and it impacted me so much that I wrote down exactly what she said so I wouldn’t forget. My daughter has a huge heart and is genuinely a great person but she has found herself in some pretty low spots. She struggled from a young age with drug and alcohol abuse where her friend didn’t. My daughter grew up in a solid and safe middle class home with me, her step dad and brothers. She could have done anything with her life but she fell into the trap of addiction. Her friend on the other hand didn’t follow the same path. Her home life wasn’t as stable and she had some tough times but she was a fairly typical teenager and an overall pretty solid kid. If she had been given the same opportunities as my daughter, would she have used them?
This conversation got me thinking. I realized she didn’t feel as though she deserved to be loved because of the mistakes she made. The truth is I have been disappointed and hurt by some of her choices and actions but that has in no way affected the level of love I have for her. Her biological father, like her, has always struggled with addiction. These feelings of being undeserving come from him and his serious lack of presence. I might as well keep going and blame him for the addiction issues as well. He always put drugs and alcohol before her. While she was in recovery it became obvious that her issues with addiction stemmed from this.
On top of the issues with her biological father, could you imagine what would have happened to her if she didn’t have me as her mother? If I was the kind of mother that didn’t fight for her? That didn’t advocate for her healing. If I didn’t call her again and again, even when she didn’t answer me for days, weeks and even months? But that wasn’t me. I went to all the meetings, arranged for treatments, and never turned my back. I did try to find a balance between helping and hindering but I was there. It has been an exhausting journey.
I can clearly remember the 16 year old me, holding my new born daughter for the first time. Promising her out loud that I would never turn my back on her, that I would always be there for her. My determination to be a good mom came from my own mother, but not in the way you would think. I have only seen her twice since I was 11 years old. My step father was abusive and I was placed in foster care. The younger version of me spent a lot of time asking myself why did I get a mother like her? What was wrong with me that she could just walk away and not look back? I realize now that it had nothing to do with me, it was her own issues. I am truly grateful for all that has happened, including having her as a mother. I believe that all my life experience have made me compassionate, trustworthy, and honest. Most importantly it made me a good mom, even though I quite often feel as if I am failing.
In the end I didn’t get the mom I wanted but the one I needed, and because of that experience I became the mom she needed, not the one she felt she deserved.
