I have recently been reading a book about courage and it asks the question, “What do you think the opposite of courage is?” My initial answer was being afraid. What I have come to understand now is that it is inaction and indifference.
Being courageous is being afraid and doing it anyway. It is the act of moving forward without hesitation and regardless of your fears. This is so much easier said than done of course.
What I have realized about myself while reading this book on courage is that I am not courageous at all. I am not brave. I am scared. I am scared of being abandoned and because of this fear I am full of inaction. I don’t say what I want to say or do what I want to do because I am afraid. What if the outcome is not what I imagined and or hoped it would be? Then it’s just another disappointment. I know I have talked about this before but my soul is tired. I am tired of being strong. I have always prided myself in my strength to endure, and to move forward no matter what but now I can’t decide if I am strong or if I am just numb. I might just be really good at pretending things don’t bother me.
My mother walked out of my life when I was 11 years old and she never looked back. For many years I have said that I have dealt with all of that and that I am really indifferent to the thought of that time and of her. And I haven’t really thought about any of it at all. I have put it in a box and shoved it into the back of my mind. But then Andy died and all these feelings came back because again I was abandoned. I guess what I am trying to figure out now is how to let go of these fears and to make the most of it regardless of the potential for a bad outcome. I know better than most how quickly things can change.
I am like this in all of my relationships but it became even more obvious when there was someone that I really liked. I had known him for about a year and I seen him quite often because we had mutual friends but I never said anything to him. I didn’t say anything because I was afraid he would say no but even more so, I was afraid of the potential for pain. What if he said yes and then decided after a few weeks, or months that he didn’t like me. My fear of heartbreak holds me back. In the end it became obvious that he was not right for me and that’s ok but what if Mr. right knocks on my front door but I am too afraid to take the risk? Too afraid to say what I really think and feel. I know I am a faithful and honest person and that the right person will see it but unless I can find the courage to allow people to see me for me I am just hiding behind my fear.
Like Garth Brooks says in his song the Dance, “I could miss the pain but I’d have had to miss the dance.” I guess I just need to figure out how to keep dancing.
